“TELL ME” – Words Every Mother Longs to Hear
Guest Blog by Kelley White
Kelley and daughter Aspen celebrate Mother’s Day!
“Tell me that I’m a good mom.” “That I’ve actually taught you something.” “That I’m ready.” “That you look up to me.” “Tell me you love spending time with me.” “That I’m doing this right… even if I’m doing it alone.” “Tell me you’re proud of who we are.” “Just tell me.” -Hallmark
These words caught my attention as I passed the living room at a relative’s house as a television commercial played in the background. Stopping mid-stride, I found myself hanging on every word these moms of every age were saying. It was a Hallmark commercial, but that was beside the point. Those precious words grabbed hold of my heart and spoke to me so powerfully. Why? Because I so perfectly identified with what these women were saying, and I’ll bet just about every mom out there can relate. Amidst caring for children, advancing our career, strengthening our marriages, running a household, building a business, or even parenting as a single, sometimes we just need to hear that we’re doing this “mother” thing right… even if we’re not perfect.
The year 2011 brought so many new and exciting changes to my life, and although the list is miles long, the highlight of the entire year was the birth of our daughter, Aspen Jade. She was a timely gift to me, arriving shortly before Mother’s Day. The first moment I held her in my arms, I remember thinking to myself, “This is it, Kelley. Your life will never be the same again.”
Although this is my second year celebrating the joy of motherhood, in some ways it feels like my first. Last Mother’s Day, I was healing from 26 hours of labor, caring for a newborn, and trying to make sense of the whirlwind my life turned into overnight. It was a special day for me, but I was far too preoccupied with the precious little girl I was now responsible for to pay much attention to it. Now that I have a full year under my belt, I feel that I’m finally able to appreciate and ponder the significance of this day and what it truly represents.
I’ve always believed that you don’t have to have biological children of your own to be a mother to someone. You can “mother” by nurturing, guiding, adopting, or even passing along wisdom to others. My own mother is an absolutely wonderful woman, and I appreciate our relationship more than words can say. But, if something were to happen to her today, tomorrow, or 40 years from now, I know there are other women who would step in and “mother” me in her place. No one could ever fill my mother’s shoes or her place in my heart, but I am blessed to have women around me who I know would be there for me in a heartbeat if I ever needed them.
This year, in the spirit of Mother’s Day, I’d like to present a challenge to every woman reading this. Whether or not you have children of your own, this challenge is for you: Take a minute or two and think about all the women in your life who have impacted and mothered you in some way. Be it a friend, mentor, relative, or sibling, write their name down on a piece of paper so you won’t forget it.
Now, I challenge you to take that list of names and over the next day or two, take just five minutes out of your day to let each of those women know how proud you are of who they are and how grateful you are for the impact they’ve had in your life. It doesn’t matter whether it’s a simple email, text, call, letter, or even a face-to-face visit…the challenge is to not let another day go by without telling them how much they’ve meant to you. All too often, we go through life assuming that those we love and admire know how much they’ve impacted our life, when so many of them are still hoping and praying that they are able to touch at least one heart in their lifetime.
This Mother’s Day weekend you have an opportunity to touch lives…and what a sweet moment it will be when you are able to be an answer to the prayers of the women who were an answer to yours.
Guest Blog by Karen Hill
Recently, a friend from the past and I were able to reconnect for a drink in the late afternoon. It had been five years since we had seen each other, and it felt like no time had gone by at all. She looked wonderful and spoke about her husband and two children with such love and pride.
Dede and I have known each other for almost 30 years. When we both lived in San Diego, we spent most of our free time together.
Twenty-five years ago, she moved to the Northwest. This date is marked in my mind because one of my best friends was going to miss the birth of my first son. She moved when I was nine months pregnant.
However, time and distance has never played a part in our relationship. My late husband and I flew to Portland to introduce her to Brian when he was three months old. Eventually, Dede moved to Seattle and ironically, we moved to Portland. But, we were now a four-hour drive apart so we could get together more often – which we did!
Over the years, we have been there for each other through the good and bad times. The birth of her daughter and son; the birth of my youngest son. We have supported each other through job losses, graduations, the passing of my first husband, and my new marriage. No matter where we are when the phone rings, we answer and as we talk, time slips away. The sound of her voice brings a smile to my heart.
We have not allowed time, distance, or the busyness of life to interfere with the bond of friendship that we built all those years ago. Thank you, Dede!
Blanche! That Too, Too, Too Voice That Stops Friendships
What gets in the way of two women deepening their friendship? What keeps us from initiating new female relationships? What prevents us from enjoying some of the most delicious soul food the world has to offer?
Put simply, it’s fear. But it’s sometimes hard to recognize. Often, it’s cloaked in Too, Too, Too Talk! You’ve heard that voice in your head. “She’s too accomplished…too pretty…too devoted to her family…too consumed by work…too competitive…too passive to be my friend. “
We call that voice Blanche. She’s that self-defeating nagger that feeds us lies and keeps us from experiencing the rich taste of female friendship. She’s the one that insists you’re just too busy to add another person to your already-stuffed life. She’s the epitome of self-doubt. The one that holds us back from starting a conversation with someone new. And stops us from emailing the woman we met on the airplane or texting the mother at our kids’ field trip we promised to invite for coffee.
It’s time to put Blanche in her place! When she whispers negative thoughts in your ear, call her on it. It’s not true. It’s stinkin’ thinkin’ of the very worst kind. Comparing ourselves to other women to see if we or they measure up is plain wrong. Sadly, we often size each other up before we even try on the friendship to see if there’s a fit. And, well, that’s a recipe for loneliness.
Quiet the Blanche in your head. The next time you get the big idea to reach out to a would-be friend, take an even bigger step and make it so! Blanche may get a little jealous…but who needs someone like her in our life anyway?
It’s time to end the Too, Too, Too Talk and realize that we all have way too much to lose for that!
Bye, Bye Blanche!
–Diane & Margaret
Make new friends and keep the old. It sounds so easy. So why does that an initial outreach to a potential friend seem so daunting?
When we see or meet a woman who could be a possible friend, that’s the time to ignore self-doubt—flat out! Be gutsy. Bold. Don’t question whether you’ll have enough in common or imagine any sort of rejection. Avoid excuses like, “I’m shy.” “She doesn’t seem interested,” or “I don’t have time.” Purposely have your future in mind and know that you are worth it.
It doesn’t really take much to find a connection point with another woman – even someone who seems different on the surface. Women engage on so many levels! Strike up a conversation by relating to a physical object, a quality you notice, or the people/circumstances that brought you together. It could be her haircut, unique eyewear or cool purse…the children or grandchildren she’s with…or your businesses or the speaker at a conference you both attended. Don’t worry if it’s pithy, intelligent or thought provoking. Chances are she’ll be flattered you took the time and courage to break the ice.
So why do we hesitate in reaching out? Most likely, we’re succumbing to negative self talk. Some studies have shown that of our 50,000 thoughts a day 70 to 80 percent are negative. That’s a horrible ratio – one that we need to reverse if we’re going to get over ourselves and discover each other.
We implore you not to let that moment pass when you meet someone you’d like to get to know better. Just like in dating, you may not get a second chance. The one you let get away could have opened your mind and your world. She might have been your soul-quencher, travel partner, confidant, or someone who lightens your world with laughter.
Next time you see or meet a would-be friend, make a connection! Then after you do, ask for her email or phone number so you can reach out and set a date to get to know one another better. Then, make it happen!
You know you want to and we know you can!
–Diane and Margaret
Annual Friendship Rituals Keep Relationships Alive!
A gorgeous day eating lunch outside overlooking the ocean with three of my favorite girlfriends. Afterwards, a walk along the shoreline, laughing and catching up. It’s a ritual Deb, Julie, Noonie and I create every winter to celebrate our birthdays.
Noonie, Diane, Deb and Julie (l to r)
We’ve been in each other’s lives since we worked at my small PR firm 20 years ago. Although now we only see each other as a foursome once or twice a year, our bond remains strong. It’s our commitment to enduring friendship that has us clear our calendars for an annual girl’s day out. But, it’s our ability to continue to connect at a soul level that makes our visits meaningful. We are, what Deb calls, “sisters of the heart.”
We laugh at the past, with Julie’s detailed memory allowing us to recall the nuances of our lives. And, we share current victories and trials, helping each other remember our strengths and see new ways of looking at our circumstances. As Noonie reminds us, “It’s a great life if you don’t weaken!” Best of all, we know that if one of us needs support, in any way, we’d respond an instant to be by her side.
This year, we committed to holding a summer weekend retreat with a workshop Deb will lead to help each of us intentionally design our futures – ones that I am sure will definitely include annual birthday lunches! How could they not?
Hugs to girlfriends everywhere for the fun, stability and accountability they bring to our lives!
–Diane
Counting My Valentines
Remembering Valentine’s Day as a child prompts excitement. My mother always made the occasion a big deal. Picking out the exact valentines for my school classmates took time and thought. First I’d sort through the red, cellophane, store-bought box of Valentines putting the biggest valentines in one pile, finding the valentine specially marked “teacher”, and carefully reading each valentine while matching it with the correct envelope.
The kitchen table was strewn with sorted stacks of heart-covered cards, each pile designated for a particular group of friends. The funny valentines went to some friends; the more serious messages were saved for “best” friends, and the rest were allotted to the remaining class members on the list provided by the teacher.
Receiving, reading, counting and, yes, sorting my valentines for days after Valentine’s Day was a friendship ritual that lasted most of my parochial school years. Much care was given to every aspect of Valentine’s Day. The decision to give “what and to whom” was very deliberate. Each envelope was carefully addressed and the exact heart shaped, messaged candy was added before sealing the envelope. Giving Valentine cards was an opportunity to affirm friendships and begin new ones. It was a special day of expressing and receiving friendship.
With Valentine’s Day approaching, I’m reminded of that special practice and will send messages of love and friendship to the women in my life who I want to grow old with. I’m scrapping the idea of adding candy. Most of my friends will be happy for that!
Are there ever enough days dedicated to expressing one’s appreciation? Isn’t it always time to give the gift of love and admiration? What are the special Valentine rituals that you engage in? Will you share? Will you be my Valentine?
Xxxooo
Margaret
Friendship for a Cause: Enriching Others, Rewarding Ourselves!
Most of us relish getting together with friends for fun, learning or pure moral support. Add serving others to the mix and you enrich the experience even more!
To keep connected with women in her community, four years ago Margie, a single, retired railroad manager, joined the Homemaker’s Council, a service group that has 19 chapters throughout Nassau County in Long Island, NY. She networks, enjoys monthly speakers, attends interesting events – and generously gives to others.
Giving: The Backbone of the Homemaker's Council
From handing out new socks at a Veterans’ hospital and supporting a home for unwed mothers, to creating Care Bears for children who have suffered the loss of a loved one, to making holiday flower arrangements for Meals on Wheels, these dedicated women do for others what they can’t do for themselves. The true definition of helping!
“While I enjoy going out to eat, watching a play or going on a cruise with friends, Homemaker’s Council allows me to contribute to others and socializing while doing it!” says Margie. “We all share similar values, which makes the experience extremely rewarding.”
Handiwork of the Homemaker's Club
Margie’s chapter raises money to reach out in innovative ways. For example, each member brings a new gift worth $15 to be raffled at various events, from St. Patrick’s Day to the annual holiday party. Members recommend worthy causes and nine to ten charities each receive $100 of the proceeds.
To add to the mix, the group also holds fun classes, ranging from how to make Italian wedding soup to creating no-sew blankets and belts from soda can tabs, to making money roses.”
Because the village hall in New Hyde Park where Margie’s chapter meets has limited space, membership is kept at 120 women – and yes, there’s a waiting list. It seems that joining friends for a cause is something many women want to do! The group’s creed includes many awesome reminders: learn, make friends of strangers, praise, really hear and see, laugh more than complain, and make today better than yesterday!
The Homemakers are doing that for each other and for all whose lives they touch!
Do you belong to a women’s group with a heart for helping others? If so, reach out to us, and we’ll share your story in a future blog. Email womeniwanttogrowoldwith@gmail.com. Thank you!
